Episode 3

Okay, episode 3! We've got Mini Stages ending, Grand Stages starring afro'd Lupins, and more monkeys you can shake a stick at. Let's go!

 

The Lupin short starts with Lupin and Co. leaving a bank vault carrying large sacks of money. Zenigata cuts off their escape. The gang is worried for a few seconds, and then smile and start tossing the bags of money towards Zenigata. Being the good officer that he is, he catches the bags and is subsequently buried under their weight, unable to get up. The gang run on by him, carrying other bags of money.

Wandering Samurai Dude

Wandering Samurai is wandering at night. He comes across a woman lying in her bed, unable to sleep. He peeks through the window to watch her (as any normal person would), and she sits up and starts looking at some dolls she has at the end of her bed. The dolls are of varying sizes, and she picks up each one, going smaller to larger, rejecting them all until she gets to the biggest doll. The Wandering Samurai is excited, but instead of using it for anything naughty she just chucks it out the window to hit him in the face, so she can sleep without being peeped on.

Mankatsu Monkey

The Mankatsu Monkey (dressed exactly like Lupin) is at a urinal. As he is washing his hands, Lupin walks by him and out of the restroom. He is confused. The end.

Mini Stage

It's time for the last installment of Bakumatsu Yankee! Will Yankee finally learn Japanese? Will Okita cough again? Will awesome Shamisen music play?! Only one way to find out!!!

We open on a bridge. Yankee and Okita are walking across it, very drunk. Yankee suddenly turns to Okita and says, “Okita, let's have it out!” Okita somehow understands and they both get into drunken fighting poses.

They both start racing down the bridge, trying to go faster than the other, and then they both leap into the air. They both land on one of the railings of the bridge, and try to out-pee the other (I'm sensing a theme in this episode already...)

Also, I never thought about how you'd have to move a hakama to pee, since they don't have a fly. I feel like I learned something, though it also feels incredibly pointless.

See, you roll one leg up to go.

Three men run down the bridge, and try to attack the poor peeing men. Okita and Yankee manage to dodge. Yankee tries to shoot them, but realizes he's too drunk.  Okita is also too drunk to fight.

Yankee's drunken delivery makes me laugh.

Just as they are about to fight again, a voice tells the attacking men to stop. The men withdraw, and who should walk up (with a bottle of alcohol) but Ryouma Sakamoto! He tells the men that it's time to celebrate, because the Shogun has returned power to the Emperor (one of the goals he was working towards). The men leave to celebrate with him, and Okita wonders if it was the real Sakamoto.

Obligatory historical aside:
The Ikedaya raid we saw last episode was in 1864. The restoration of the Emperor was in 1867~8-ish. Yankee has been in Japan at least 4 years, so maybe that's why they can understand each other, and Yankee calls Okita by name now. Why Yankee has no name aside from “Yankee”, no one knows.

Back to imaginary land:

The next morning, Hijikata is “training”, by beating up all his sparring partners. Okita, tells him that training is good but he should take it easy. Yankee comes out complaining about the noise, saying that he has a hangover. Hijikata tosses him a sword, calling him “You! Blue-eyed guy!” and tells him that since he lives with the Shinsengumi, he's gotta practice the sword as well.

They take their fighting stances. Hijikata in the normal stance that is used for katana, and Yankee holding his like it's a European style sword. Hijikata laughs at such a stupid stance. Yankee starts off with a flurry of thrusts, but Hijikata parries them all. Then a voice calls out that there's trouble, and Hijikata is distracted. Yankee uses the opening and shoves his sword in Hijikata's mouth, very cartoony. Hijikata has lost.

Switching scenes, the problem that was being yelled about is that they have found a third victim who has been murdered by an unknown assailant.

You can see that it looks like the man needs a shave. Hijikiata thinks so too, but Kondou explains that it isn't a beard, but poison needles.

Yankee counts in his head, “Four, Three, Two...”

The man is the captain of the second squad of the Shinsengumi. The fourth and third squad captains have already been killed. The next target will be the captain of the first squad: Okita.

Yankee is worried about him.

That night, Okita is playing in the bathtub while Yankee watches him like how friends usually watch each other bathe, disgusted that his boyfriend bosom buddy is so nonchalant about his impending doom.

A sneaky person in shadow comes up behind Yankee. We see them put the poison needles in their mouth, and make their way up to him. Luckily, they step on a twig and warn him of their approach. He quickly turns around, shooting his gun. They spit the needles at him, Yankee just barely ducking out of the way in time. He misses his shots, and they run away.

Okita comes out of the bath, wondering what's going on and wonders what the heck Yankee is doing. Yankee merely looks at the needles of death that were aimed for him, and Okita understands what happened. Something in the bushes catches Yankee's eye, and he goes over to check it out. It's a cloth with the word “Omiya” written on it. Okita says it's an inn where Sakamoto stays. Yankee and Okita get ready to dish out some justice. They rush off to the Omiya.

At the Omiya, three mysterious figures knock on the door. The innkeeper opens it, and they exchange words. As he leaves to go up the stairs, one of the figures follows, him, slashes him in the back with his sword and continues over his bleeding form. The other two follow up the first man.

They find Sakamoto, and have a fake letter of introduction, addressed to one of Sakamoto's friends who is staying with him. The man says he doesn't know the sender, at which they realize it's a trap. The three men draw their swords, and they start fighting. Sakamoto's friend is killed, but he takes down some of the other swordsmen. Sakamoto is barely defending himself, preventing a sword from cutting into his face by blocking it with the sheath of his still-undrawn sword. In the shadows, behind the man trying to kill Sakamoto, the poison needle figure appears and spits the needles into Sakamoto's eyes and face. Weakened, he can no longer prevent the sword from giving him a fatal wound.

We get a very brief flash of the poison needle man, who looks like he's wearing the uniform of the Shinsengumi. All four assassins quickly leave once their job is done.

Another historical aside:

Sakamoto's assassination took place in 1867, and even now it's not quite known who killed him. In the aftermath of the Meiji Revolution, the blame was initially placed on the Shinsengumi and Kondou was executed for that crime, but three years later another group claimed credit for it.

Back to the Bakumatsu:

Arriving too late, Okita and Yankee find the aftermath of the assassination. Sakamoto is still barely alive, and Okita asks him what happened. Sakamoto talks about how upheaval brings change, and that no one is gonna try to kill Yankee anymore. Yankee, “Hmms” like he understands.

(The continuity of this story and trying to figure out if these characters have learned anything of each other's languages fascinates me, though I don't think Monkey Punch or the script writers were thinking about that).

Sakamoto tells Okita that a big storm is a comin' (metaphorically), and to take care of himself. As for himself, personally, he's done for. Then he dies.

Yankee notices the needles in Sakamoto, and both of them wonder about the connection.

The next day, Hijikata is training by beating up all his partners once again. Okita decides to go out for a walk, and a Shinsengumi member that we have never met who's character design screams “I am evil”, asks where he's off to. Okita says that it's great that they ran into each other, and that he has something he wants to tell only him. He suggests they move to a better location to talk.

He's hilariously ugly, so you know he's bad.  And expendable.

The arrive at a lake with a dock. The guy asks why Okita brought him all the way out there. Okita says that people have been saying that Sakamoto's death was the Shinsengumi's doing, but Okita knows it's not. It was the man with the poison needles. But Okita can't do anything about it, because the only one who's seen his face is Yankee (again, his name is just. Yankee. He's been there 4 years and he remains...Yankee).

Okita basically lets Ugly Guy know that he knows he's the poison needle guy. The guy laughs evilly and congratulates Okita for being smart. He was hired to kill Sakamoto and make it look like the Shinsengumi did it, which is why he set it up to make Okita and Co. go to the Omiya right around the assassination. To frame them, etc.

He tells Okita that the age of the sword is over, and that the Shinsengumi will be destroyed.

Okita and Ugly start going at it, running alongside each other to get into the best position, when Yankee comes out from behind a pole and says, “Hey!”
This distracts Ugly Poison Needle Guy, and Yankee does his brilliant sword technique of shoving it in his mouth. Then Okita slices him, spilling blood and his dirty payoff of gold coins everywhere.

The man's body falls into the lake, and all is still.

UNTIL OKITA STARTS COUGHING. AGAIN. LIKE HE DOES IN EVERY. SINGLE. EPISODE.

WE GET IT. HE'S GOING TO DIE. IS THERE NOTHING ELSE THAT HAPPENED IN HIS LIFE ASIDE FROM HIS TUBERCULOSIS?!?!?!

*ahem*
 

The lake slowly turns red from the man's blood, storm clouds gather in the background, and Yankee and Okita take their leave with a dramatic freeze frame.

We are shown a shot of the dead Sakamoto once again, and then historical paintings, reminding us that the turbulence of the Meiji Revolution was not over yet, and how pretty much all the members that we met in this show died, because the Shinsengumi was on the losing side.

KONDOU

OKITA

HIJIKATA

PATCHY

(I'm not sure if Patchy is anyone specific.  Right now I think he just represents the Satsuma Clan, who worked to get the emperor restored to power but then politics happened and they didn't like the outcome, so some of them tried to start their own country in Hokkaido with some of the Shinsengumi).

After the somber reflection on the loss of life, there is happy music and blue skies. We pan down to the OK CORRAL. There, in that famous standoff, is Yankee! (Historical date: 1881).

He is wearing a Shinsengumi headband.

A man beside him pulls out a handkerchief and coughs into it. Is it from the dust? Does he also have TB? Is Yankee looking at him because it reminds him of Okita? Does this story have that much depth?

The shootout starts.

In the end, Yankee stands victorious.

Not that it matters, but I tried to figure out if Yankee was also supposed to be a historical figure, based off who was involved in the actual gunfight. Yankee is a non-existent sixth figure in the line-up on the outlaw side, so...he's just Yankee.

(the end)

Makatsu Monkey

The Monkey finishes washing his hands in the bathroom and decides that Lupin looks better than the monkey does in his suit, so he dresses as Jigen instead. Jigen is walking by, the Monkey realizes that he's stolen yet another person's fashion, Jigen leaves.

The scientist from the first episode is back. He flips a switch and is electrifying something off screen. It looks like a rock. But the electricity makes it transform into a naked woman. The scientist looks down at the girl and blushes. His fat wife barges in and says it's her turn. She hooks herself up to the electrodes and the scientist grumbles and flips the switch for her. She turns into a rock. He leads the girl away to sleep with her, but his wife changes back and knocks on the door. He drinks an invisibility potion, but his wife finds a can of paint and throws it near the girl, since she knows where her husband will be. End.

Up Up Balloon

The balloon man is flying along, when he hears a cry for help. A ship is sinking, and a naked woman needs saving. The man brings his balloon lower to save her and welcome her into his loving arms, but all the men on board shove in from of her and hop into his balloon instead. The balloon sinks into the ocean under all the added weight, and the ship, now lightened, stops sinking and rights itself. The girl laughs to herself for a job well done.

Riddle

“If we say two random words together really fast, eventually they'll slur together and sound like the word 'clitoris'.”
There wasn't much of a riddle, really.

The Panic

A tornado is coming. A man dressed like Mario is leaping away from it. He grabs on to a rock to save himself. He then sees a woman in a pink dress trapped in the tornado. The tornado rips all her clothes off. The man jumps out of his clothes and into the tornado because what could be better than tornado sex. Leaping into a vortex of wind proves trickier than he thought, however, and he knocks her out of the tornado, landing safely near the clothes he left behind. She puts on the clothes and escapes.
He dies, naked and stupid.

Mario

He Said/She Said

The girl wants something put “in”, but it's only eye drops.

Mankatsu Monkey

The monkey has given up on trying to be as cool as Jigen or Lupin, and has instead decided to look like a retiree in Florida.

He practices his golf swings with an umbrella. He accidentally hooks the hem of Fujiko's dress and displays her underwear. She slaps him. End scene.

Making it to the driving range, the monkey realizes he doesn't have enough money to get golf balls from the golf ball dispenser. Goemon kindly lends him money. Too many balls come out, and he can't stop it. Goemon, not caring what his magical money can do, keeps walking away.

Wandering Samurai

Still wandering at night, he comes across another room with a door to peek through. Not learning his lesson last time, he looks in. He opens the door wider. Inside is a woman on a bed, body mostly covered with a blanket, but in a position that is asking to be taken advantage of (in Monkey Punch land, anyway). The man looks around, and notices there are other men in the room, but they appear to be lying on the floor, senseless. Deciding not to rush in, he crawls around and lifts up the blanket covering the girl. She is dead, and someone has removed her midsection with a knife, leaving only the top and bottom halves you see sticking out of the blanket. Overcome, the Samurai also faints.

Mankatsu Monkey

Now that he has his golf balls, he is ready to golf! He puts his ball on the tee, but it won't stay on. He gets frustrated. Zenigata is behind him, watching. He offers the monkey some glue. The monkey uses the glue and the balls stays on. The monkey thanks Zenigata and he leaves. The monkey tries to hit the ball, but the glue is too strong and he breaks into pieces like a Looney Tunes character.

GRAND STAGE

The title of this Grand Stage translates to “I am Kazanoha” (it's supposed to sound like Casanova, but spelled like the name of a group. It only kind of works).

I was going to try to be a proper reviewer and give a decent play-by-play of the story, but as I kept putting off re-watching this story I realized that I hated it. It's not particularly worse than any of the other Grand Stages, but I can't bring myself to care about it so this will be a very quick summary.

Anyway, the story stars Lupin with an afro. It looks horrible and only adds to the pain I must endure in watching this episode. But I have to get to episode 4 to get to my favorite Mini Stages, so endure I must.

It's like the Third Series Lupin afro, but worse.

Our hero narrates that he hates the word “Playboy” because you sound like a guy who isn't serious and just plays around. He'd rather be called a Kazanoha, which is like Casanova but dumber sounding. He then walks into a garage and tells the chauffeur that he's the new chauffeur. The guy thinks he's just a wiseguy and tries to beat him up, but we are shown that he's like an expert with a rope or something because all he does is throw the rope and the ex-chauffeur gets tied up.

The scene changes to a shady business man/mob boss (Dokusai), who is walking out of court a free man. A TV reporter is telling us about how evil he is and how he kills his rivals, but he still hasn't been brought to justice. An ugly cop, Frank, is very upset that Dokusai hasn't been found guilty, and tries to shoot him as he's walking to his car. His junior partners restrain him.

Afro Lupin, meanwhile, is having car sex with Dokusai's secretary while they are waiting for the trail to be over. The secretary is having the time of her life and forgets the time, but luckily Afro Lupin isn't as enamored and they are able to make it in time to pick up their boss.

On the way home, Dokusai wonders who this new chauffeur is, and Afro Lupin introduces himself as Daikichi Daikyo. The secretary explains that she hired him, and Dokusai ends up amused by his very Lupin-y chattiness and impertinence. Then Frank (the ugly policeman) starts following them and Daikichi must prove his worth. He ends up pushing Frank off the side of the bridge they were crossing and he falls into the river.

Back at Dokusai's HQ, Dokusai is taking a bath and watching the horse races. Some random underling guy talks back to him, and Dokusai calls in his bodyguard to have him killed. Pleased with his bath, Dokusai then leaves to go visit his harem. But, as he is sleeping with them, he notices that they've been sleeping with other men! (Because they feel different). He says that he won't forgive them for sleeping with other men. They tell he they haven't been sleeping around, but that they were “taken”. Which sounds a lot like rape, but every single one of them is very happy with with “taken” by “Omikuji-kun”, so I don't think these girls are being that honest with their sugar daddy. Poor Dokusai.

If you guessed that “Omikuji-kun” is actually Afro Lupin, you'd be right. Dokusai send some men to beat him up and teach him a lesson, and they find Afro Man in the middle of yet more sex, this time on Dokusai's car. Covered in bubbles, because he was in the middle of washing it. It just seems so painful (because of the soap) and unsanitary I wonder why they decided to do it on the car in the first place.

Anyway. Afro Lupin beats up the men who had come to teach him a lesson, and Dokusai again admires his moxie. He asks what Daikichi's real aim is, because it couldn't just be bedding his women. Daikichi says that sleeping around is his hobby, but his real aim is to replace Dokusai. Dokusai is again amused by him, and allows him to continue to live and work for him.

Dokusai tells his humiliated men that they can kill him at any time, but that he's a useful guy to be use, and that he's just like a horse. He sends for his secretary, and he tells her to sleep with Daikichi.

We go back to Officer Frank, who is being patched up from his fall in the river. The station doctor is his daughter, who tells him to take it easy. Frank, of course, doesn't listen to her. The Police Chief also tells Frank stop pursuing Dokusai, but Frank gets mad and resigns so he can do as he pleases.

The Police Chief tells Dokusai about all this, who decides that Ugly Cop Frank is too much of a thorn in his side, and that he needs to be taken care of. He sends his men out, and they frame Frank for the murder of his junior partners. Frank knows it's a trap set up by Dokusai, so he takes his (grown) daughter and makes a run for it.

Since Frank got away from the dirty cops, Dokusai decides it's time to put his plan into action. During all this, the secretary and Daikichi have been having fun with each other. Dokusai calls them into his office, and they go without even changing into clothes (though Daikichi wonders why). Dokusai tells Daikichi that he must track down and kill Frank. Daikichi says that he's not going to listen to what Dokusai tells him to do. But this is where Dokusai's plan with the secretary springs into action.  I will sum up as quick as possible:

During sex, the secretary had Daikichi put a ring on his man-stick. Daikichi thought it was just a sex toy, but Dokusai explains it's something they use on horses to make them run faster. Dokusai has a remote, and if he presses a button, the ring will contract and cause much pain to Daikichi in a very sensitive spot. Daikichi has no choice but to listen to orders.

Daikichi finds Frank and his daughter, wackiness ensues, Daikichi's pants fall down and the daughter sees the ring. She is amazed at how well made it is, and Daikichi realizes he might have found someone to help him. They work out a plan, and they fake kill Frank in front of the police chief so they won't be followed any longer.

Daikichi pretends to take Dokusai's offer to run away to another country to escape the law, but really he goes off to have sex with Frank's daughter. And they have such good sex that he's able to break the ring because he's that well endowed. And then the doctor says that he's been freed by “the power of love”, which might be the best line ever from sheer stupidity.

Then the gang gets all together, and Daikichi brings in the evidence of Dokusai's wrong doing in front of a shady businessman board meeting. Frank shows up, gets arrested, the police chief also get arrested, and all the other shady businessmen are happy that Dokusai is gone. Daikichi then declares that he is the successor to Dokusai, and that “all the cruelty and violence that my predecessor began: I plan to continue.”

And that ending almost makes up for the first part of the story.

You can tell I didn't like this Grand Stage because I only included three screencaps.

Mankatsu Monkey

The Mankatsu Monkey hits a golf ball and hears a “clink” sound and thinks he got a hole-in-one, but it's just Lupin making the noise with a ball and cup to torture golfers.

Wandering Samurai Dude

Wandering guy is wandering along, when he walks by a very tall wall. A man with a bamboo pole asks him, “How 'bout it? 3 minutes for 300 yen”. The samurai agrees, and pays the man. The man ties him to one end of the pole, and lifts him over the wall. On the other side of the wall, a woman is sunbathing in the nude. Since this seems to be the actual business model, no one ends up hurt and the story ends.

Lupin Short

The last Lupin short starts out like the first one, with the gang exiting a safe carrying bags of money. Zenigata arrives to stop them. They throw the bags at him, but this time he easily dodges them all. The gang seems amused by this, and they grab more bags to throw at him. Zenigata is pleased with himself and continues to dodge, not noticing that the bags he is dodging are being thrown into a getaway truck behind him.

 

THE END

Next time in episode 4: A Mini Stage that made me want to import the original manga story (which I can't find), and a Grand Stage with a previous, very different, adaption.