Episode 2

It's Mankatsu episode 2!

Am I going to continue this post like it hasn't been five years since the last one?

Does the sun rise in the east?!

Without further ado, let's get this ball rolling!

The second episode opens with a Lupin Gang short. They all run out of a door that's on the left, and Zenigata is following them, but he comes out on a door to the right. Lupin trips and falls, Jigen trips over him and also falls. Zenigata goes to arrest them, but is stopped mid-air when we find out that the space with thought was empty between the doors is actually a pane of glass. Everyone looks at the glass, sees that it's too tall to jump, and that also they are in a labyrinth made of it. Zenigata is upset that he can't reach the gang, and they laugh at him. He sets off desperately to find his way over to 

 them.

Then it's the Wandering Samurai Dude. He comes across a mason smoothing mortar on a wall. He comments on how skillful the mason is. The mason finishes smoothing the mortar and leaves. The Samurai sees a hair sticking out of the wall and goes to pull it out. It doesn't pull out, and instead makes a bigger and bigger crack in the wall, until a hole is revealed the dead body of a woman tumbles out. He screams and runs away. The end. 

Next, it's our first short of the Mankatsu Monkey. Poor Mr. Monkey is arrested in a paddy wagon, but as he is sitting inside, we see an explosion from the police station and Lupin gently leaps ahead of the explosion, like he's some kind of strange ballerina of destruction. The monkey sees him running by, and yells out “MANKATSU!” (since that's all he can say). Lupin, understanding the words of his people, tosses him a stick of dynamite, which explodes and sets the monkey free.

MINI STAGE

We continue the story of Bakumatsu Yankee, starring blonde Lupin look-alike Yankee and Goemon look-alike Souji Okita.

It opens with Okita, on his way to shave, finding shoe prints leading up from the garden into the dojo where the Shinsengumi lives. He thinks it's (enemy of the Shinsengumi) Ryouma Sakamoto, who historically was known for liking western boots over Japanese shoes. But it's not Sakamoto. It's Yankee, stealing food. Okita yells at him to take off his shoes, which he listens to because he's being threatened with a shaving razor.

After taking off his shoes, Yankee is playing around with a sword he found and tests to see how sharp it is, cutting his finger. Okita (while pretending that he actually has to shave) tells him he's stupid for doing that, and that he shouldn't play around with them because a sword is a warrior's life. Just then, they hear a ruckus coming from (Shinsengumi Chief) Kondou's room, so they decide to go investigate. Yankee carelessly tosses the sword behind him, where it sticks in the floor, probably doing more damage than he did with his shoes earlier.

Chief Kondou and Vice-Commander Hijikata are interrogating a woman. We see someone poke a hole through the paper of the door and put one eye up to watch the interrogation.
Kondou and Hijikata know the enemies of the government are using her house to meet, and they want her to talk. Hijikata tells her that if she doesn't talk, he'll kill her. Outside the door is a mumbled, “What a waste,” and the camera pans to show us that pretty much every Shinsengumi member has poked a hole in the door so they can see the woman. Hijikata yells at them and slides open the door, and they all run away.

Just then Yankee and Okita come around the corner to see what the fuss is all about. Okita goes, “Oh, it's a woman!” Okita tells Hijikata to let her go. Hijikata calls him soft and slices the top of her kimono, trying to expose her breast. Yankee is excited, but Okita gentlemanly grabs her breast and covers it so our eyes aren't offended by her nipples. Hijikata continues slicing, exciting Yankee and Okita eventually has to cover all the strategic parts of her. Okita thinks Hijikata is not a gentleman.

Kondou thinks to himself that Hijikata isn't getting anywhere, so he decides to take over the questioning. He tells the woman if she has any conditions before giving information, he's willing to listen to them. The woman says that she is willing to tell everything to Okita--but only is he sleeps with her first (because this is a Monkey Punch story).

Hijikata is all, “Okay, Okita! Sleep with her! Go!”
Okita, however, says he's a virgin and is saving himself for his future wife, but Kondou says it's an order and he HAS to sleep with her. Poor, poor Okita.

However, Yankee has somehow understood what was going on (probably because it had to do with sex) and signals in the most obvious way possible that he's willing to take one for the team.

Then it is night. In a small shack thing, the girl and Okita are in bed together. The girl is very happy with the whole business, but Okita himself is uncomfortable. The girl thinks Okita is a great lover, but somehow she doesn't realize that Yankee is also under the covers at the foot of the bed, and she can't tell the difference between regular sex and oral. But anyway. Mission accomplished and Okita keeps his virginity.

She tells them where some anti-government rebels are meeting, and the Shinsengumi sets off to find them. Yankee tags along because he's Yankee. Also, to pick up women. (Okita wonders about Yankee being energetic enough to still want to bed women, but seriously, he didn't seem to do all that much with the girl from before and I don't think he got anything out of it...but I digress...)

He's so happy, how can you be mad at him? You can't.

Back at HQ, a mysterious person opens the door to where the girl is being held.

Back in the city, Yankee is complaining that he's tired and he wants to go home. Okita tells him it's useless to complain. Yankee is surprised and asks Okita if he can understand English. Okita just smiles at him.

Their bromance is interrupted when an arrow with a message is shot towards Okita. Yankee shoots his gun toward the sender, but doesn't hit anything. On the message is a map and a note telling Okita that the woman had been kidnapped and to follow the map if he wants to save her. Also: come alone.
The map has a very lovingly drawn picture of a nude woman being carried off:

It's the details that make this show.

Okita understands why they took the woman (being a traitor to them and all), but he doesn't understand why he they want to lure him away to the indicated meeting place (a lakeside hut). Yankee says, “I thought so” and starts off towards the lake. Okita asks Yankee if he can understand Japanese, but Yankee doesn't answer and so Okita follows after Yankee after telling his men to join up with Hijikata.

Then, more music comes that makes wish this had a soundtrack. Why aren't there more songs with electric guitars and shamisen? Why??
Anyway, Okita catches up to Yankee and figures that Yankee is only interested because it involves women.

He would be right.

They arrive at the lake, where there's a small hut built over the water. They walk across the bridge towards the hut, when they see an ugly man with his sword ready to slice the woman in two. The man tells them both to stop, for the foreigner to come alone. Yankee responds, saying in his well accented but oddly acted English, “Huh, shoot, I guess I gotta go alone”.

Does Yankee understand Japanese? One of life's great mysteries.

Okita tells him to be careful. The strange man tells him to come closer and closer, and raises a gun to shoot him. Yankee shoots into the house and then onto a roof, where someone was waiting to snipe him. The man falls from the roof.

The man turns out to be Ryouma Sakamoto. Sakamoto calls out for Izo (from the first episode), whereupon a samurai with one glowing red eye leaps out of the water behind Okita. Yankee and Okita are then trapped in a fight with both men: Okita and Izo duel with swords, Yankee and Sakamoto exchange shots.

Knowing that they're in a bad position, Yankee and Okita make a dash into the hut. There they see the girl has already been killed. Yankee, looking down on the dead body, says, “The way this chick moved her hips sure didn't look like she liked you”.

Who that remark was for or what it means, your guess is as good as mine. Unless he meant that the girl's lack of movement when Okita appeared tipped him off that she was dead? Was he somehow taunting Ryouma and Izo that they can't even pick up dead women? I don't know.

Okita scolds Sakamoto for using such an underhanded way to lure him into his trap, and Sakamoto gloats about how it was so easy because he knew Okita would want to rescue the woman he lost his virginity to. Okita gloats back that the joke's on him, he's still a virgin. 

Only Okita would be proud of this comeback.

Okita asks if the information that the woman gave him was fake. Sakamoto says it's real, because he wanted to get rid of some other rebels who were getting in his way, and that they are at the Ikedaya Inn right now, planning evil, and that's where the Shinsengumi will end up. Then Sakamoto and Izo rush into the hut to finish off Yankee and Okita, but they are gone. They have placed the dead woman in the bed in the hut and covered her, and escaped through a hole in the floor and have swam away.

So Okita and Yankee then book it to the Ikedaya, because no story of the Shinsengumi is compete without at least a reference to the raid that happened there. To sum it up without going into too much history:
In real life, the Shinsengumi received a tip about some rebels gathering in the Ikedaya. Though not entirely sure if the info was correct, they decide to stage a raid anyway. They raided the inn, found rebels who were planning on burning down the city (or rebels who were meeting to discuss a jailbreak for a comrade of theirs, depending on who you believe) and there was a big fight and they killed people and arrested others and all that good stuff. But the incident gave them standing as an actual fighting force capable of protecting the city and being recognized by the government as such, rather than just being a bunch of patriotic, masterless samurai.

ANYWAY, back to Monkey Punch land:

Okita says that Kondou and Hijikata have not yet arrived at the Ikedaya, and Yankee says, “Heck, just the two of us is more than enough.”

I like to imagine that Yankee is this crazy guy who shoots at everything and sleeps with anything that moves, but he would never dare say anything stronger than, “Heck”.

Okita asks him what he's planning on doing and does he even KNOW how many people there are to fight or anything like that? Yankee says, “Let's have fun!” and that's all it takes to convince Okita to go on a murder spree with him.

Then they have a very fun fight scene, with creative shots like the dark rooms being lit up by Yankee's gunfire, and in the flash you also see who Okita is slashing in that moment.

Sakamoto watches the slaughter from the alleyway, pleased that they are all being killed.

Yankee and Okita finish killing everyone and are on their way out when the rest of the Shinsengumi arrive. They ask if they are alright. Okita tells them that they're late and that “the festival is already over”. Yeah, the murder festival...

But then Okita starts coughing again because, once again, we must always be reminded that Okita died tragically young from TB. It's a rule. The audience must be reminded. Always. 

ALWAYS.

 Kondou and Hijikata are worried, but Yankee proves he's a bro and helps Okita up and gives him support. Okita says he's tired, and they head off back to HQ.

(end of mini stage)

Mankatsu Monkey makes his return!!

Being a Monkey on the run, he's trying to find a place to hide. He doesn't see a place, but then suddenly a hail of bullets come his way. He jumps behind a light pole, and his whole body is hidden like how it happens in Looney Tunes. But they aren't shooting at the monkey, they're shooting at Jigen.
Jigen jumps behind the light pole. Jigen is now hidden, but it shoves the Mankatsu Monkey out.

The monkey shoves Jigen out. They fight over the pole, each pushing the other out, until the both jump behind it at the same time. This enables both of them to hide until the police go by. Jigen tries to leave, but the monkey grabs his jacket. Jigen turns to shoot the monkey, but he just wants to try and get the chain off from around his neck.

The scene ends without Jigen helping him.

Another short:

There's a man on a deserted island, pacing furiously. There's a wall dividing the island in half, and he's pacing in front of that wall. His waiting is finally rewarded with the sounds of a baby crying. A nurse/grandma-looing lady shows him the baby and he's happy until he notices that his kid is a mermaid. He faints in shock. We pan out to see that the man's wife has human legs.

Up Up Balloon

Balloon man is sleeping in his balloon, with a fishing pole hanging over the side. He gets a bite, and pulls up a giant fish. But before he can get it into his balloon, another balloon that's floating by steals it for themselves by scooping it up in a fishing net.

The man in the other balloon is eating the fish, when he notices the hero of our story painting a fish on the other man's balloon. The fish stealing man approves, thinking it's some badge of honor. But instead, a bird that looks a lot like a vulture and not a bird that eats fish swoops in a rips off picture, popping a hole in the man's balloon and causing him to fall into the river.

Riddle

A man is lying flat on a bed in shadow. He lifts up a bottle and asks the girl (Ai), if she wants to drink it. She says, “Oui, suki!” (suki is often pronounced “ski”), and the narrator tells us that “Oui, suki” (which means, “Yes, I like”) sounds like “Whiskey”. And isn't that a great pun?!

The man then lifts up a fish and asks if she wants to eat it. She says, “Mada, ii” (I'm fine right now), but “Mada, ii” sounds like “Madai” which means red sea bream!!! It's another brilliant pun!!!

Then, near the man's nether regions, a stiff cylindrical object pokes up and he asks he if she “likes” it. She says, “Ai, sukande!” and kicks it. The narrator/manga author-looking person asks why that happened. It's then explained that “Ai, sukande” (I hate it) sounds like “Ice Candy” (eye-su candy, if say with a Japanese accent), and in Japanese “ice candy” is their word for Popsicle. Which is what the object was and if you thought it was anything else, then you clearly don't have a pure mind like Monkey Punch.

The Panic

In this episode, the couple decided to have sex in a locker, and while they were doing that, the building they were in flooded or something and is up to their knees. But the water is subsiding and they hear the rescue team arrive. So they decide they should have sex again in the locker while they wait. But they were too enthusiastic and knocked the locker over and they drowned. The end.

He Said/She Said

The man talks about how the girl smells good and she flirts back and how he wants to take a picture but she says she's embarrassed and he keeps pressing until she slaps him and we see that it was just a normal conversation between the couple.

Mankatsu Monkey!

The Monkey holds the chain away from his neck so Jigen can shoot it off. Jigen takes careful aim while the monkey holds still, but suddenly the monkey falls in love with Fujiko, who is driving by on a motorcycle.

Jigen shoots, and hits the monkey square in the forehead. The camera pans back to show us that it wasn't the real monkey Jigen shot, but a Wanted Poster of the monkey. Jigen is satisfied with his work and leaves. The monkey still has a chain around his neck, and is a little freaked out.

The monkey finds Goemon and asks him to cut the chain. Goemon gets a running start and dashes toward the monkey, wildly swinging his sword like anyone would when they're being asked to cut an object wrapped around someone's neck. The monkey realizes he should get the heck outta Dodge and runs away through a brick wall.

Goemon, happy that the only monkey he will have to deal with is Lupin, leaves.

The Wandering Samurai Guy is walking through the snow. He comes to a tree covered in snow, and for fun he kicks the trunk of the tree to make the snow fall, jumping out of the way so he doesn't get hit by the snow. He comes to the bottom of a cliff, and looking up, sees something covered in snow that looks a giant cocoon or maybe a large bag, strung up from the top of the cliff. He kicks the cliff to dislodge the snow. The snow falls, and it's the body of a hanged man. He screams and runs away.

The Mankatsu Monkey sits, defeated, under the light pole. His chain begins to be pulled towards the right. Meanwhile, Zenigata is on patrol and something tugs his jacket to the left. Someone has left a giant electromagnet on, and it pulls up Zenigata and his handcuffs while the Monkey struggles against its pull.

GRAND STAGE

The title/work of this Grand Stage is “Transparent Gentleman”, which is so close to “The Invisible Man” Monkey Punch might as well have not come up with a different name. It's like he just took the first suggestion from a thesaurus for “invisible” and “man”.  As if someone told him, "You don't want another legal thing like you had with the Lupin name.  Better make sure you think of something different."  And he used the laziest name possible.  It's kind of awesome, if you think about it.

Anyway, though, on to the actual story:

We open with a car driving very fast down a night street. An Ugly Old Man is at the wheel. He looks in his rear view mirror, and we see that he is being followed by a motorcycle. As the motorcycle pulls alongside the car, it is revealed that no one is driving it. Or, so we think. The man in the car mutters a name, “Kaiji...” to himself, and speeds up. The motorcycle also increases speed.

The man crashes into the side of a diner, and the motorcycle crashes as well. The car explodes, and before we know what happened to the driver we cut to a building under construction.

Somehow, the driver of the car has ended up there. He looks around him, looking for something or someone. We don't see anything, but Ugly Old Man says that even if he can't see Kaiji, he knows where he is. He pulls out a sword and leaps down to another crossbeam, wildly slashing around himself and kind of contradicting his earlier claim.

A disembodied laugh echoes from the shadows. The Ugly Old Man says, “Kaiji! Show yourself!”

We see a figure wrapped in bandages, wearing pants, a coat and sunglasses. His bandages are tied in a jaunty little bow tie around his neck, showing us that for whatever reason Kaiji is chasing Ugly Old Men around abandoned buildings at night, at least he has a sense of style.

Cutting back to the crash site, we see there has been a young man investigating, and he finishes up and runs to a car that pulls up. The car contains a girl and a Bald Jigen with no pupils. The young man tells the girl that it's her father's car, but that no one is inside it. Bald Jigen thinks that her father might have escaped and so he's probably somewhere nearby. They all decide to search for him.

We cut back to the construction site. Kaiji calls the Ugly Old Man “Professor”, and asks him to stop running and change his body back to normal. The Ugly Professor says that it isn't quite that simple, and Kaiji desperately asks why. Isn't it the Ugly Old Man who made his body this way? The Ugly Old Man doesn't answer, instead leaping up to cut Kaiji with his sword. Kaiji manages to dodge and leaps further down.

Ugly Old Man follows after him, trying to kill Kaiji. Kaiji manages to dodge a few more strokes, but in the end is pinned up against a steel beam. Ugly Old Man brings his sword up in a position to deal the finishing blow, but stops before he does. He says he just has to move one finger, and Kaiji's head will go flying. Kaiji doesn't really care, if his body is going to be invisible. Ugly Old Man asks if Kaiji doesn't want to live. Kaiji steps forward and grabs the edge of the blade with a gloved hand. He says he does want to live, and he also wants to know why he won't turn his body back to normal. He grips tighter and breaks the sword: now both men have a blade.

Kaiji manages to stab the Old Man in the shoulder. They pause their battle, the Old Man asks why Kaiji hates being invisible? He could be a peeping tom without any risks! He has absolute freedom to do whatever he wants! He's something that lots of people would want to be!

Kaiji tells him to shut up and he takes off his clothes, becoming just a sad floating head. Kaiji says that his body is nothing but a monstrosity.

The Old Man says he doesn't understand today's youth.

Kaiji overpowers the Old Man and tells him to change him back. The old man doesn't want to until Kaiji listens to his story. Kaiji doesn't want to listen, but the Old Man convinces him. While the Old Man tells his story, a mysterious figure listens from the shadows.

The Ugly Old Man is actually one of the leaders of a band of ninja. These ninjas have powerful techniques, and if they fell into the wrong hands could take over the world and wreak havoc. There are evil ninja within the Old Man's clan who are planning on using these powers for evil. He wants Kaiji to defeat the ninja and disband his organization for him. Kaiji says that he should do it himself. The Old Man says that he is too old now, and only someone with the advantage of being invisible like Kaiji could defeat these ninja. So, that's why he made Kaiji invisible.

Let's take a short break and carefully consider Old Ugly Man's situation:

1) There are evil ninja I have to defeat, but I'm too old.
2) These ninjas are so good, if they're able to see you, they'll be able to kill you.
3) If someone was invisible, they would be able to defeat the ninja.

Solution: Kidnap some complete rando and make him invisible.

I'm just sayin', I feel like this guy's plan could have been thought through a little more.

Back to the story:

Kaiji doesn't care about the man's story, and insists to be changed back. The man begs him to promise to defeat the evil ninja first, and then he'll tell him everything. Before he can do that, however, a small whirlwind comes out of nowhere towards Kaiji. The Old Man recognizes it as a certain ninja's technique, and knows that an evil ninja has followed them, and wants to kill Kaiji before he can be defeated. The Old Man shoves Kaiji out of the way of the whirlwind and gets trapped himself. With his dying breath, he asks Kaiji to defeat the ninja. The wind makes lots of little slices all over the man's body, and some of the blood gets on Kaiji's bandages.

The Girl (the man's daughter) and the young man from earlier hear the Old Man's screams of pain, and rush towards the construction site.

The Girl, the Young Man (Haya) and Bald Jigen all arrive at the construction site at the same time, and rush over to where the voice came from. They see Kaiji walking away from the body. The Girl tells Kaiji to wait and tell them what he's doing there. Haya sees the beat up Old Man, and rushes over to him. Bald Jigen asks Kaiji if he's the one who did that to him, and Kaiji tells him it was the wind (brilliant cover story, Kaiji).  They all see the blood on his bandages.

The Girl and Haya realize that the Old Man is dead, and she asks Kaiji to explain what is going on. Kaiji isn't really concerned or interested in telling her, so she gets mad at him and slaps him, knocking his glasses off. When he turns back to face her, she see in horror that behind those glasses, there is nothing but emptiness. “You don't have a face!”

Kaiji is merely annoyed that he was slapped so suddenly, and asks if she really is a well-brought up lady.

The Girl asks Kaiji who he is, and Kaiji replies, taking off his face bandages, that he's the man that her father turned invisible. While she stares in shock, Bald Jigen pulls out his gun to avenge his boss' death. The Girl tells Bald Jigen (real name: Sengan) to wait, because she has more questions for Kaiji. Sengan doesn't want to show mercy to the Old Man's murderer.

Kaiji says that he isn't the one who killed him, that the old man said it was the person who could use the ninja technique for the whirlwind (reppazan). Before Kaiji can say more, Sengan shoots at him, so Kaiji hides behind the girl for protection. Kaiji tells her that it's wasn't his intention to hurt anyone or anything, all he wants is his body back to normal. He asks if she knows where the antidote to the invisibility could be. The Girl decides that this must mean Kaiji killed her father, and pulls a knife from a sheath on her hip (I do like how everyone is armed in Monkey Punch land. The amount of hidden throwing knives in the Lupin manga entertained me to no end).

Kaiji dodges the knife, and the Girl throws something sparkly at him. Sengan shoots at him again, and Kaiji runs away to hide behind a steel girder. The Girl tells him to come out. He says he'll come out if they'll give him the antidote to being invisible. The Girl says that she has to talk to him a bit more before she believes his story. She wants to know why her father would turn him invisible. He tells her that her father wanted him to defeat the evil ninja organization for him. The girl says that her father created the organization that Kaiji is talking about, so he would never want it defeated. She doesn't believe his story. She tells him he must have made up his story to save himself. He doesn't respond, and she thinks she's hit upon the truth.

They see his coat sticking out from behind the girder and shoot at him more. They realize the coat is a decoy and he has taken off his clothes and run away, completely invisible.

Sengan tells Kaiji to “show himself” and Kaiji says that you really can't ask an invisible person to show themselves. Since they are invisible and all that. He tells the Girl that he will definitely get the antidote for his invisibility, and laughs creepily into the night.

Daytime:

In Ninja Mansion, the Girl is telling a group of gathered men about the incident that happened to her father and herself. The men say they've heard of Kaiji, but wonder why Old Man turned him invisible. The Girl tells them about how Kaiji said it was to take down the ninja organization. The gathered man are shocked at this story. They say they need to take revenge on Kaiji, and yell at Sengan for letting him get away. The Girl tells them not to worry, they will soon know where Kaiji is. During the fight, the sparkly stuff she threw at Kaiji was actually a ninja technique that will allow them to track him to his hideout. We cut to Haya following some butterflies, which lead him to an abandoned-looking mansion. This is Kaiji's hideout.

On the ride over, Sengan asks the Girl what she knows of the ninja organization her father put together (who are coming to help). She gives us a list of the Very Powerful Ninja that make up the organization, and says she thinks that even if someone was invisible, they wouldn't be able to win against all of them.

They arrive at the mansion. Haya asks if they should try storming the mansion. The Girl says they should wait for the Ninjas. Haya is surprised they are coming. The Girl is surprised that Haya didn't know. Haya says that he didn't tell anyone but the Girl where Kaiji's base was. Before they can get to the bottom of this mystery, Sengan notices that the Ninja have arrived.

There are 4 ninjas of various size waiting at the top of a cliff that overlooks Kaiji's mansion. The shortest of the ninja, armed with a knife, decides to attack. He bursts into the mansion, kicking in the front door.

The mansion is covered in dust, and Kaiji kicks it up as he walks down the stairs, leaving footprints.

Break time #2:

Ugly Old Man asked Kaiji why he doesn't want to be invisible.

Do you think it's maybe because to actually BE invisible, he has to be COMPLETELY NAKED?!

“Hey, go fight an evil organization of ninjas for me. Alone. Naked.”

Again, I feel like his plan could have used a little more thought.

But Monkey Punch seems to like the “Crazy Scientist performs experiments on innocent people” plot. See: Cinderella Boy. Also: Alice the Wild (which will be featured in episode four).

Story time:

Short Ninja sees Kaiji's footprints coming down the stairs. He leaps up into the air, all the way to the head of the stairs, and throws three knives down the staircase, to hit Kaiji in the back. However, they hit nothing. Momentarily surprised, he realizes that Kaiji has jumped up and grabbed on to the chandelier to dodge the knives. He throws more knives, cutting the down the chandelier. It falls with a crash, and Kaiji rushes up the stair to attack the ninja (who looks a lot like an evil vacuum-salesman). 

Kaji tries to overpower him, but the ninja struggles free and is able to give Kaiji a cut. He can now see Kaiji's bleeding wound, so he's no longer totally invisible. Kaiji wipes away the blood, and he's back to being a transparent gentleman. 

The ninja throws a knife into the wall behind Kaiji, and Kaiji laughs at his bad aim. The ninja isn't worried, because it's an EXPLODING KNIFE.

This is why I love Monkey Punch. I get exploding knives.

The explosion throws Kaiji to the ground, making a mark in all the dust. Short Ninja throws exploding knives where Kaiji fell, and all down the hallway so he can't escape the explosions. Short ninja is pleased at how he has killed Kaiji. He taunts him to say something. Kaiji laughs at him, because he was behind him the whole time. He attacks Knife Ninja, and in the smoke we get just about the only shot of Kaiji having some kind of form.

Outside, the other ninjas wonder if Knife Guy is doing alright. They see Kaiji making his escape out of a second story window. A ninja with a bow and arrow shoots Kaiji as he is leaping. The ninja rushes in to finish him off.

The other two ninja at the top of the cliff look down on the scene. One ninja thinks that's the end of Kaiji, the other ninja isn't so sure.

Bow and Arrow Ninja laughs at Kaiji, who manages a few words before he dies. Bow and Arrow takes off Kaiji's glasses, and we can see his eyes. Shocked, Bow and Arrow removes the bandages around Kaiji's face and it's actually Knife Ninja! Kaiji dressed him up as himself as a decoy! Kaiji throws a knife down and it explodes, killing Bow and Arrow.

Another Ninja is upset at two of his comrades being killed, and rushes down to face Kaiji himself. His weapon of choice is a chain and sickle.

Kaji tells Chain and Sickle Man that he doesn't want to fight them, all he wants is his body returned to normal. Chain and Sickle tells him that since Kaiji has killed two of his colleagues, he has to take revenge for them. Kaiji leaps from the window, and the ninja throws the weighted end of his chain at Kaiji, breaking him in half and revealing it to be a dummy.

Kaiji then sneaks (nakedly) up toward the man through the grass. The ninja can see where the grass parts for Kaiji's feet, and throws his chain at him again, wrapping around Kaiji's body. The ninja leaps in the air, and the chains slacken just a little bit. But the ninja lands before it seems Kaiji can do anything, and he hits the chains. The fourth ninja still on the cliff thinks that maybe Kaji has been defeated, but Chain and Sickle knows that he didn't hit a body. He wonders where Kaiji went.

Kaiji laughs at the ninja, who figures out where he is from his voice. He throws his sickle at him, misses, and then rushes to where he thinks Kaiji is. He miraculously finds Kaiji and grabs him, finding his neck and choking him. He's stronger than Kaiji and Kaiji can't get free. Luckily for Kaiji, sickles act as boomerangs and it comes back around and stabs ol' Chainy in the back, killing him.

The fourth (and last) ninja laughs at his fellow ninja for being so stupid, and now it's his turn. The Last Ninja: Spider Man.

Spider Man has pet spiders. He tells them to go get Kaiji. We'll pretend like this makes sense.

The spiders make their way through the tall grass, until they stop upon Kaiji's body. Since Spider Man can now see where Kaiji is, he rushes over to the spot and brings out his gun to shoot Kaiji. But he misses or something, because instead all he hits were his spiders. Did Kaiji throw the spiders and intercept the bullets? That's what it looked like, but I don't know how anyone figures out the trajectory of a bullet in time to stop it with a spider, not to mention that a spider wouldn't have enough mass to stop a bullet from traveling farther... One of the rules of gun safety is knowing what lies beyond your target since your bullets can go through your target, and I think that would apply to spiders, too...

I'm over thinking this. The point is, he doesn't get shot.

Kaiji is then at the base of a tree in the field, and the spiders have strung up a web all around him. Spider Man tells Kaiji that if he moves, he'll know from the web and then he can shoot him. He shoots wildly, taunting Kaiji to move. Kaiji appears from behind the tree. When Spider Man shoots it, it bursts into flames. It's yet another dummy. If nothing else, Kaiji is one prepared man.

The burning dummy sets the web AND the spiders on fire. It falls on Spider Man, burning him to death. (He has only has 1 HP because he seems to die from one burning spider falling on him, but eh. Whatever. He is defeated. Kaiji leaves the scene).

We cut to the car with the Girl, Sengan and Haya. Haya asks Sengan why they're running away, since Kaiji is still on the loose. Sengan says that if those four were defeated, they can't do anything so they should leave and think of something else. Haya isn't so sure, but the Girl agrees with Sengan.

As they are driving along, a mysterious helicopter with a giant magnet lifts their car off the highway and away to another place. Haya manages to jump out before they get too high, but the Girl and Sengan are captured. Haya tries to run after the helicopter, but he sees he can't keep up with it. Just then, Kaiji comes along on his motorcycle and offers him a ride. Haya accepts.

They end up at what looks like some kind of research facility. They sneak their way in through a ventilation shaft in the ceiling, but Haya is immediately captured after yelling, “Ok, go ahead!” right after he jumps down to the floor. The guard shoots up into the shaft to take care of whoever he was yelling to. Other guards rush in when they hear the gun shots, and Kaiji punches them invisibly.
Haya takes out the original guard, and tells Kaiji to keep going forward with him.

Kaiji is smart and doesn't answer, because talking is how you got into that mess in the first place, Haya.

Meanwhile, the Girl is chained to a wall somewhere in the facility. She says, “So...you're a traitor.”
The camera cuts away and it's revealed that the one behind everything is Sengan! He tells her that he's not a traitor, because to be a traitor would mean he'd have to been on Ugly Old Man's side at one point.

It turns out when Sengan heard Old Man wanted to disband the ninjas, he asked to be made the next leader instead. But the Ugly Old Man refused, and made Kaiji invisible. So that's when Sengan decided to kill Old Man, so he could become the next leader. He asks the girl if she will join him and revive the ninja organization with him (since, ya know, Kaiji did end up killing a lot of its members).

He turns around, and girl slaps him, telling him she refuses. Sengan realizes Kaiji must have let her out of her manacles. Kaiji tells him that now everyone knows that Sengan killed the Old Man, not him. Haya was just outside the door and also heard. He rushes in with a gun. He goes to shoot Sengan, but Sengan flips away (after making a pun) with beautiful form and if you ever wanted to see Jigen do a back-handspring, this is as close as you'll get.

The he uses the whirlwind technique that killed the Old Man earlier.

He gets Haya and the Girl in the whirlwind, but it isn't strong enough to kill them. He takes a stance to hit them again, but Kaiji rushes in and punches him in the face. He backs away, and hits Kaiji with the next whirlwind instead. Kaiji is thrown against a wall, and Sengan says he's going to kill everyone, and unleashes a huge whirlwind. Kaiji dodges, takes off his bandages, and begins to fight naked one more time.

The whirlwind goes out of control, and breaks through the ceiling. The building starts to crumble around them. Sengan is buried under falling debris. Kaiji tells Haya and the Girl to Haya-tail it out of there (my own pun to make up for not explaining Sengan's earlier. You didn't miss anything.  It was also about Haya).

The two make it out, and they watch as parts of the building explode and it continues to crumble. The Girl wonders if Kaiji made it out okay, and calls out to see if he's alive. He is, and he joins them. They are happy that he's okay.

The Girl knows he's innocent now, and Kaiji is glad that she believes him. Kaiji asks if there's anyone who can turn him back to normal, and she says that she can't, if anyone could have it would have been Sengan.

Haya wonders if Sengan was killed in all the explosions, but Kaiji doesn't think he'd be killed by anything that simple (the Japanese have such faith in their rivals. You literally won a fight because a ninja forgot his sickle worked like a boomerang, Kaiji. An explosion doesn't seem like an odd thing to die from).

Anyway, confident in the knowledge that Sengan would not die from an explosion, Kaiji will make it his mission to find him and get his body back!

(the end)

Mankatsu Monkey

Through sheer willpower (and monkey feet), the Monkey is keeping himself from being sucked up to the magnet. The magnet is eventually pulled to him instead, whereupon Zenigata tries to arrest him. We pan to see what else the magnet caught, and it's such a variety of people and things it looks like a scene from Katamari Damacy.

The Monkey is arrested once again and carted off to jail.

Back to Wandering Samurai Dude.

He's walking along a road, when he comes to a large clay pot with a rope sticking out of it. Curious, he begins to pull the rope. A pink kimono is tied on to the rope. He keeps pulling. Women's undergarments are tied on to the rope. Excited, he pulls more. A woman is also entangled in the rope, we see that the rope is pulling her out, legs first. He gives the rope a hard yank, screams, then faints. The camera pans out and we see that the rope doesn't have a woman tied up in it, but the dismembered body parts of a woman tied up in it.

Back to the Lupin Gang short to finish off the episode:

The gang is waiting for Zenigata to make it through the maze. They are at the exit, bored. Lupin is yawning, Jigen is doing his usual Jigen thing, Fujiko is putting on makeup and Goemon is doing needlepoint. He could be repairing clothes, but I think it's needlepoint.

NEEDLEPOINT

Anyway.

Zenigata finally makes it through, and the whole gang congratulates him. He's embarrassed but happy at their praise. Lupin hands him a string, which is attached to one of those giant balls that release confetti and stuff that you see in Japanese shows. And Super Smash Brothers.
Zenigata pulls on the string, which releases enough confetti on top of him to sweep him back to the beginning of the maze.

Lupin and the gang continue to clap for him, pleased with themselves.

That's the end of the second episode. What will the third one bring? Will it also be in five years time? Stay tuned to find out.